Director's Diary - Day 16

My husband wants to retire. Like that's his dream. I think it's a very common dream in American culture. Work your ass off and then retire and use your free time leisurely.

I was not cut from that cloth.

My childhood seemed difficult, the world was challenging and the obstacles were plentiful. I dreamed of one day enjoying life. Entering adulthood without the weight and burden of misery, and knew that once I could, I would create an environment that I loved being in, loved being a part of, loved being integral to.

This was part of the impetus to leave law. I did not like being a Paralegal and was certain that I would not like being a Lawyer.

I love being a Filmmaker. I love telling stories. I love getting people excited about working together, about creating. I love what I do. I love the ability to make a difference through films.

Even when it's incredibly hard.

Even when our 1st AC texts that her current production has been shut down due to positive COVID results and she has to bow out and self-quarantine.

Even when another crew member shares that her brother has it and she's having a hard time right now.

Even when all of the fun stuff, the stuff I really dig, the creative stuff is getting put on the backburner so that I can be present for the important stuff, the people and team stuff.

My niece is on our team, playing my daughter when she was her age, I tried to imagine her effervescent spirit sitting in a detention camp. I thought about the attendees and their daily lives impacted by the pandemic, and how it must greatly influence their ability to do their job well. Their job of managing and monitoring people in cages, prison, life-limbo. There wasn't one scenario in my imagination, where Mary Poppins worked there and even as I write this... How would Mary be behaving at a miserable job during a pandemic?!?

So I turn to the words of Brene Brown to remind me to be vulnerable, shift with the winds and ride the waves.

"I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude."

and

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

I am getting better at managing upsets and changes, I am surrounded and supported by an incredible team of women, who are committed to seeing this project through to fruition and yeah, we are all in this together. That's why I do what I do, because through story and film, I will contribute to making this world a better place.

I never want to retire.