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Director's Diary - Day 14

I went down a rabbit hole.


When I was 18, I was told that I was about to do something very, very unadvised.


And yet, I did it anyways.


2 hours prior to writing this entry, I had begun to think about the importance of events in direct correlation to excessive thinking.


It began with searching for a quote, something to poetically phrase that the value of an event effects every component of your body and mind. So the more important the event, the more impacted your entire well-being, albeit for better or worse, will be.


If you're not connecting the dots here, a search for a simple quote led to research on psychology and excessive thinking, which I am very, very guilty of.


The weekend demanded some r&r, Andrew and I had a ton of commitments to do together in order to be more efficient - like detox the house, and I didn't think it was fair to try to jam "Coyote," work into, or in between the time blocks on our calendar.


So I began each morning with a couple of hours of work and then released the guilt associated with not continuing and engaged with the utmost presence into our commitments..


Monday came and I already felt behind.


Headed out to CR8Stages with our really sweet Gaffer, Genevieve Evans. And in this new world, we carpooled together... Prior to getting to her house, I sanitized my car, then she sat in back behind the passenger seat and wore her mask during the entire ride.


It's weird how something that used to be so simple, riding in a car with a person, has evolved into such a (somewhat stressful) task.


So we arrived at CR8Stages and visited our 5 locations. While we were reviewing the rooms and looking at the ceilings, I began excessively thinking: Dimensions of the WALLS, transporting and fitting them into a TRUCK to bring on-sight, INSURANCE for the build, HOW COME SAG HASN'T GOTTEN BACK TO ME, PAINT for the walls (what brand and color again?), a SCREEN DOOR for the entry. I mean, the horse has left the barn.


Genevieve was fantastic, she was gave good feedback on thoughts and offered ideas, as well as proposed possible obstacles (the reflection from the pay phone) so we could flesh through the ways to overcome them.


My daughter is moving out. So I will officially have no children at home.


INSERT all the feels.


Back to the project at hand.


See, see what's happening here? Both of these events are so important, that my desire to think about them and process them are excessive, practically uncontrollable.


At 18, I took on 4 of the 5 as categorized "major life events."


These 5 MLEs are:

  1. Have a baby.

  2. Get married/divorce.

  3. Move farther than 100 miles away from your home.

  4. Buy a home.

  5. Go to College.

According to most, at the occurrence of 1 "major life event" (MLEs), you should prepare for disruption, it is highly unadvised to engage in 2 or more MLEs in the same time period.


Sans buying a home, I completed 4 of these MLEs within a 4 month timeframe.


You're having a baby?!? Wait to get married, you're too young to know if he's the one. Going to college, with a kid?!? Stay local, do community, that way you'll have support. Get married and move across the state for school?!? The stress a new environment will have on your marriage will be too much.


And yet, I did them anyways.


It was stressful. It was hard. However, it taught me how to manage constant activity, if not in my external surroundings, but also in my head.


So last night as I crawled into bed and closed my eyes, I took a breath with confidence. I had not completely finished one of my tasks, but I know that they'll get done and everything will work out perfectly. I can find balance in project commitment and grieving the end to a previous chapter (motherhood with children at home). And maybe, I'm writing this entry to reaffirm this for myself. Either way, the quote that appealed to me the most this morning was said by Nelson Mandela, "the greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."


My daughter will be okay in her new place. "Coyote," will be just as I envision it.


Oh, and I will definitely need a hydraulic dolly for my opening shot. No doubt about it, thanks Genevieve.

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