Director's Diary - 11 Days Out
I was rather disappointed with my attitude yesterday. I know I was tired, but if life has taught me anything, ATTITUDE MAKES THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE.
Filmmaking is one of those professions, where the stakes are already high, and then as you approach production, the project demands your full attention. Without it, you could easily miss something - a detail or a scene, overlook a note and - BOOM, you're in the editing room, discovering that there's a gap, or that you NEED to pick up a shot... that's the worst.
Several times yesterday, I struggled with an inner voice that said, "procrastinate..." it was kind of a whisper and I REALLY, REALLY wanted to put everything off, curl up with a soft blanket, order a well-done thin crust pizza (ordered as such so I don't feel guilty when I eat the entire thing) and watch a Sandra Bullock flick.
I combated this inner voice with an affirmation (of sorts) - every time I looked into a mirror yesterday, I said, out loud, "FAILURE TO PLAN, IS PLANNING TO FAIL." I can't help but be militant with myself and my mindset, my dad was an Army Drill Sargent. It is deeply encoding into my DNA. No excuses. No bullshit. Do the work. Show up with honor.
Back to my attitude. I crawled into bed feeling like I should have edited yesterday's entry - which of course, I told myself, I would not do. If I am going to document this journey, I have to be transparent and authentic, no self, or retro-editing.
Yesterday, I was tired, frustrated and mentally defeated but maybe that's what happens towards the top.
I once read something about not knowing how close you were or are to something, that if you give up when it gets hard, you will never find out what it took to accomplish it. Or how close you were to accomplishing it.
Not saying I had planned on stopping or giving up.
It just felt hard. Which brings me back to my reference about what happens at the top. I imagine a mountain climber realizing that they are fatigued, that their legs are sore, that the air is thinner and that the higher they go, the harder it becomes. Yet, when they get there, when they reach the top and they see the view, it's quite yummy and worth it.
Using that same analogy - this is why the climber trains, this is why they do micro-climbs, assess their levels and adjust. They are planning for their own success on the mountain. Nobody else can climb for them. This is their work, their journey and if they didn't enjoy it, why would they begin it?
I went to bed last night with a shitty attitude and so I woke up this morning, forcing myself to adjust it.
We got free PPE donated yesterday. That's huge. A service business checked out our project and said, "yeah, we will help out." What a win. My friend over at the unnamed studio, went an extra mile and reached out to her contacts to help me. What a good friend. Our producer, Lauren communicated yesterday that she was in prep mode for Wednesday night's ALL CREW call. What a relief to have someone with such a heightened sense of ownership on the team. Allison called from the road, she had a great vacation but misses the project, she wants updates. What a blessing to have an AD so engaged. I had rehearsals with Rachel and Nobu, and they killed it. They are truly listening to one another and it feels very real. What a great thing to be a part of, especially since we are virtually rehearsing without the ability to feel or read each other's energy.
I start today with this reminder to myself, I am a part of something bigger than me and my work. I am a part of an incredible team that is coming together to share a story that will make a difference. What an honor.